Item: Personalized Rhinestone Mrs. Brief
The pitch: Flash your lover boy (or your pals!) with a fabulous asset — your new title, of course, spelled out on these sexy undies. Add your married last name (up to 12 characters) in twinkly rhinestones. Available in black, white or light blue. 100% cotton. Specify Size 1 (small/medium) or Size 2 (medium/large). Made in the USA. PLEASE NOTE: Underwear is not returnable.
Price: $26 each
As I picture the next year leading up to my wedding, I imagine no moment where I am flashing my gal pals my rhinestone-bedazzled unmentionables. But I also haven’t penciled “labotomy” onto my wedding to-do list either, which apparently means I’ll be a tough nut for the wedding industrial complex to crack. There’s so much about the ad copy for these babies that I scarcely know where to start. First, that upon marrying, one of my greatest assets becomes my new “title.” Second, that the underwear are not returnable. This makes me think that the purchase of these panties should be required for all brides. Knowing that there was no way to recoupe the $26 shelled out for 85 cents worth of fabric and plastic jewels would make the divorce rate plummet. And finally, that they are made in America. Of course they are. Because even though we outsource the production of just about everything else to our nimble-fingered, underpaid, not-as-complain-y bretheren on the other side of the world, someone has wisely convinced this company that they will likely incite World War III if these other countries’ workers become aware that we have so little else to do with our money in America that we’re spending $26 on a rhinestone title-flashing bit of fabric that covers our privies.
It occurs to me though, that these would make phenomenal teacher gifts for kiddies to bestow. “Look what I got you Mrs. Smith!”