It’s classic chicken or the egg. Do some couples lose their minds simply because they’re involved in a wedding, or have they always harbored the desire to make complete asses out of themselves? There is no better litmus test perhaps than their wedding photography. Not the official stand-in-front-of-the-venue-and-smile shots or even the ones of the couple skipping along looking like the young goofy kids in love who, statistically speaking, a solid 50 percent of them are. I’m talking about the other shots. The ones where the couple decides they’re going to act like the photographer just happened to come upon them releasing white doves in front of a gospel choir on the steps of the Jefferson Monument. Or, the ones where the groom takes his bride’s garter off, with his teeth, in front of a camera. We’ll call these WTF? Photos:
1. This photographer’s rates are quite high. After paying him, the couple could only afford the bathroom of a circa-1983 McDonald’s for the reception.
2. Try to look at this photograph without thinking about the six irritated bridesmaids at whom she snarled to heave her up onto the piano carefully so her dress wouldn’t wrinkle, then hissed at to go find her a goddamn appletini.
3. Is their any more magical moment of the big day than when the groom conducts the traditional fake fellatin’ o’ the bride while perched on the best man’s back?
4. The New York Times instructs couples interested in having their announcement featured in the Weddings page to photograph themselves with their heads evenly aligned. Really this couple isn’t that far off as I’m assuming that she’s lined her head right up to the one with which he does most of his thinking.
5. In exchange for attending your wedding and bringing you a nicely wrapped coffee maker, I ask only for a tasty meal, some decent champagne and maybe a jordan almond or two. I do not ask for, nor do I particularly ever want to see, a photograph of you lurching toward the room where you conceived your first child.
6. Or a photograph of you actually conceiving your first child.
7. And finally, our WTF? Photo winner of the week. The couple who decided to stage a sexualized Dudley Du-Right episode to celebrate their entry into the holy sacrament of marriage. What I really love about this sequence is that the first two pictures set the stage for the husband to arrive in the last frame with the presence of Eric Bana or Captain America. And then he shows up looking like the dude who helped you find your AV cables at Best Buy last weekend.