Vows, as written by Gabriele Pauli, the German politician* who announced last week that she wants marriage vows to expire after seven years.
I [state your name] take you [state name of spouse-to-be, trying to remember name of the one that you’re on at present] to be my temporary husband. To have and to hold loosely from this day forward until the same day seven years forward. For better or for worse, with a seriously helpful out-clause in the case of the latter. For richer, for poorer, which I will be if I have to keep paying for goat cheese tartlets and cranking out personalized “Our Mix” CDs every seven years. In sickness, provided it is not chronic, and in health, provided that I am not marrying you for your wealth in the hopes that you’ll be kicking the bucket soon. To love and to cherish for the duration of the warranty on our refrigerator. From this day forward, until my desire to bone the pool man do us part. Amen.
* Referred to in the piece as the “flame-haired” politician. Can someone please explain to me why every time some woman who happens to have red hair does something hotsy-totsy they feel the need to mention her hair color? Seriously, it’s 2007 and yet I still consider it an effing miracle I’m not stoned by Puritans for being lasciviously hued when I walk down the street.