For Richer, For Poorer, Force Majeure


Vows, as written by Gabriele Pauli, the German politician* who announced last week that she wants marriage vows to expire after seven years.

 I [state your name] take you [state name of spouse-to-be, trying to remember name of the one that you’re on at present] to be my temporary husband. To have and to hold loosely from this day forward until the same day seven years forward. For better or for worse, with a seriously helpful out-clause in the case of the latter. For richer, for poorer, which I will be if I have to keep paying for goat cheese tartlets and cranking out personalized “Our Mix” CDs every seven years. In sickness, provided it is not chronic, and in health, provided that I am not marrying you for your wealth in the hopes that you’ll be kicking the bucket soon. To love and to cherish for the duration of the warranty on our refrigerator. From this day forward, until my desire to bone the pool man do us part. Amen.

 * Referred to in the piece as the “flame-haired” politician. Can someone please explain to me why every time some woman who happens to have red hair does something hotsy-totsy they feel the need to mention her hair color? Seriously, it’s 2007 and yet I still consider it an effing miracle I’m not stoned by Puritans for being lasciviously hued when I walk down the street.


9 Responses to “For Richer, For Poorer, Force Majeure”

  1. I-66 Says:

    Please explain to me the problem with being stoned?

    Ohhh… you mean stoned like rocks and Jesus saves and stuff. Well, to be fair you haven’t yet adultered (verb?) or blasphemed. That we know of.

  2. Eric Says:

    I’d rather be called flame-haired than a ginger. I hate that one.

  3. class-factotum Says:

    Why doesn’t anyone use “titian” any more, as in Nancy Drew’s titian hair?

  4. etcetera Says:

    red hair = oversexed.


  5. K Says:

    I’d like to apply the transitive property to etcetera’s comment.

    bridal bird = red haired
    red haired = oversexed

    ERGO…….. 😉 That’s one happy Texan.

  6. rcr Says:

    So you’d essentially be a free agent in between contract re-negotiations. Not a bad deal.

  7. Bridal Bird Says:

    Eric-Good point. Although if anyone ever referred to me as a ginger I would immediately punch them in the sternum.

    C-F-Ooh, that was a good term. And if we followed the Nancy Drew dictate we’d also call heavyset people “pleasantly plump,” like her “pleasantly plump friend Bess.”

    E and K-You’re a bunch of giggly pervs.

    RCR-Yes, under the Pauli proposal, this marriage will last until the fall of 2015 at which time I’ll be looking for a husband to be named later. So it’s going to be a make-or-break at the combine that summer.

  8. Bridal Bird Says:

    Oh and I-66 I haven’t killed a man either. That you know of.

  9. class-factotum Says:

    And Nancy’s boyish friend George? I’ve never figured that one out.

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