If A, Then B, Then C You in Hell

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Had you passed by my office at lunchtime yesterday you would have heard a good deal of snickering. Not because I was watching the live feed from the White House press briefing (zing!) but because I was working my way through the 172-question online premarital survey required by the Catholic Church these days. A lot of the questions were oddly worded (although to their credit, not in Latin) and the inability to go back and change an answer meant that one stood a good chance of accidentally clicking the wrong answer when asked, “I agree that it will not not be problematic that my spouse enjoys murdering kittens and blowing rails during the workday.” I wanted to answer truthfully, but I also didn’t want to unwittingly send a federal marshal to my or my fiancé’s office.

Right from the get-go, the whole operation was dicey. Especially when considering that the survey wasn’t for like, Cosmo, but for the entity that claims to have God on speed dial. Particularly ominous was that I had to indicate that I needed the “cohabiting” survey. This was going to be a sticky wicket.

What is your age?
Drat. I didn’t want to have to lie on the first question. OK, fine, 30.
…Crap, then there’s that business about life begins at conception. Well forget it, I’m not writing “30 and nine months” and that’s that.

Are you confident that you will have a fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse?
Yeesh. Second question? Get to know a girl first why don’t you, Catholic Church. Maybe take her out for a drink before you ask her about the no-pants dance. Oh and don’t think that I’m not well aware that this is a trick question.

Is the previous answer based on your current relationship?
See. I wasn’t born yesterday.

Do you agree or disagree with the statement “My spouse’s gambling will be a barrier in our marriage?”
Only if he’s betting against the O’s! Am I right, O’s fans?! Eh? Eh?

Do you agree or disagree with the statement “My spouse has sexual desires that make me uncomfortable.”
Huh, that’s odd. They don’t specify whether they mean emotionally or physically.

Do you agree or disagree with the statement, “My spouse watches too much television.”
Well the guy who watches football every Saturday certainly isn’t going to have any stones thrown at him by the girl who watches The Hills every Monday.

Have you discussed how many children you will have?
I suppose they’re not looking for “Yes, zero, because babies will make me chunky and irritable,” as an answer. I mean I suppose that because my only two choices are “Yes, enough for a baseball team,” and “Yes, enough to start a small cottage industry producing rosaries and pocket Bibles.”

You are having children, right?
OK, now you’re just being snippy.

The real rub on all this is that when you’re done slogging through all 172 questions, you don’t get any kind of score. No harp-strumming angel icon and a “Congratulations! You’re destined for a lifetime of happiness!” or head-shaking devil saying “Yeahhhh, you might want to not throw away the receipts for those wedding gifts just yet” accompanied by the Price is Right overbid noise. But I guess it takes the Pope a while to tabulate everyone’s scores. I’m assuming they go right to the Pope, as the email they were whisked off to was VivaIlPapa54@yahoo.com.

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14 Responses to “If A, Then B, Then C You in Hell”

  1. Johanna Says:

    Just remember that, red — “chunky AND irritable.”

    And boring. Don’t forget boring.

    And chunky.

  2. freckledk Says:

    I just became a Lutheran.

  3. jess Says:

    this makes me so proud of my catholic roots — and how far i’ve fallen from them…. man. what other religion sucks all the fun out of life in such a father knows best kinda way?

  4. Bridal Bird Says:

    Absolutely J. The only thing I like chunky and irritable is my peanut butter.

    FK-Good choice. I like any religion based in civil insurrection.

    Jess-While I think they get it right when it comes to social justice, I do have to say that they’re a bunch of lookyloos when it comes to the babymaking.

  5. photobugchick Says:

    Yup, did the same thing 2 months ago. Now all we do is spend time picking apart our different answers with the priest. Mind you, our priest just converted to Catholicism and is a good 2 years younger then my fiance.

    That definately does not sit well with him!

  6. Bridal Bird Says:

    Photo-I was afraid that this was going to lead to some ridiculous parsing. You’ve confirmed my suspicions. Although I must admit, I was tempted to answer things in such a way that my fiancé would have a lot of explaining to do during his follow-up. “So it says here that you’re a member of a group called ‘The Lords of Satan” and that you consider monogomy ‘a fool’s bargain.'” Waaay more fun than that time I signed him up for the Ann Coulter daily newsletter. (You think I’m kidding.)

  7. I-66 Says:

    ““They don’t specify whether they mean emotionally or physically..”

    What if it’s both? I’ve seen some weird things done with a crucifix.

  8. Sister Mary Alice Says:

    We definitely rehashed afterward, and it wasn’t pretty. Husband said, “Of course you said that if I cheated on you, you’d forgive me, right?” I said, “Hell no! The test wants you to take marriage seriously, so I don’t approve of cheating, duh!” He responded, “The test wants you to never get divorced, so you put up with anything!”

    We basically did that for every question. We differed on almost every one because we tried so hard to do what the church would have wanted, and were wrong every time.

    They still let us get married, which is the good news.

  9. Bridal Bird Says:

    I-66, maybe you take the lightning strikes to another blog for the day, ok, pal?

    Sister Mary Alice-That was the question that really frosted me! If I’d said “No, there is no way I’d ever stay with my spouse after he cheated on me,” I’d look like a quitter. But by saying “Yes” I look like a doormat. So annoying.

  10. Arjewtino Says:

    Another reason why surveys show Judaism to be the number one “Most Admired Religion” in America.

  11. E :) Says:

    Thank goodness I wasn’t born a Catholic. I’m sure if I had to fill out a survey like that, it would have self destructed after the last question and sent me to eternal damnation. Lapsed protestants don’t have surveys, just celebrants and booze! Yay!

  12. Norf Says:

    You’re lucky, all you had to take was a survey. I married a Catholic, in Poland no less. There they are much stricter with the whole process. I had to convert to Catholicism before I could even marry her. That took 8 months of classes every Thursday night, enlighting me on all the important subjects: Saints, abortion, euthanasia, contraception, etc. Thank god she accompanied me to them.

    Finally, when we were in Warsaw, taking care of the final paperwork, I had to take a quiz as well. This involved answering some pretty tough questions, like: “Have you murdered your previous wife so that you could marry this woman?”. The whole time I had to have my hand on the bible, making it a lot harder to laugh at the priest trying to translate these ridiculous questions.

    In the end, it all worked out, and we got married in a beautiful 17th century catholic church. The only one that survived WWII in Warsaw. So I’ve got that going for me, which is good.

  13. Bridal Bird Says:

    Norf, I hope you knew how to say, “Eh, maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. Who’s to say?” in Polish. ‘cuz that would have been hilarious. And that whole process sounds just plain nutty. And here we are grousing about five, two-hour pre-cana sessions and a little quiz that I did while mowing on some yogurt…

  14. ‘Til Breaking News Us Do Part « Bridal Bird Says:

    […] out the online premarital questionnaire a few months ago I came to the true-or-false question: “If I learned my spouse was cheating on […]

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