Hollywood Heads to the Altar

Nowhere is marriage more gloriously rendered than on film. Oh, I mean besides in real life. Whatever. Anyway, ever since my fiancé popped the question, I find it affecting my decision on what to pop into my DVD player. I’ve decided I will offer periodically my now-very-much-biased opinion on wedding movies, TV shows, and such. 

I thought I’d kick things off with a look at some of my favorite celluloid-based married couples.

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John and Jane Smith, Mr. & Mrs. Smith—I can’t think of a cooler looking married couple on film, living in a cooler house, wearing cooler clothes, wielding cooler cooking utinsels. Yeah, I know they were trying to kill each other, but I can get past that when they have the good sense to decorate their house with a Kentfield Cascade chandelier.

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Stuart and May Mackenzie, So I Married an Axe Murderer
Stuart: “Thirty years ago today, May and I were married. Some of you were there, some of you weren’t born, and some of you are now DEED! But, we both said “I do,” and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.”
May: “That’s true!”
Stuart: “But I’m glad I married you, May, because hey, could’ve been worse.”

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Henry and Martha Hackett, The Paper—There is no more accurate depiction on film of what it’s like to be a journalist than The Paper. I will out-argue anyone on this point with one hand tied behind my back while trying to make a publishing deadline. I also have a sneaking suspicion that Henry and Martha’s relationship—he’s an intrepid, Diet Coke-swilling, 12-hour-workday Metro editor for the scrappy upstart paper in the city, she’s a former reporter turned “regular” writer harboring some major insecurity about her decision to leave newspapers (cough cough)—is the most accurate depiction of what our wedded life is going to be like.

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Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara, Gone With the Wind—Hey SnacksPlease, she kept her last name! And even when their relationship wasn’t going so hot (like when he was, um, sort of technically having his way with her against her will), she knew she had one thing that she could always count on: real estate. No, no, that’s not why they’re on the list. When I was growing up I read GWTW and watched the movie over and over. I thought Scarlett wasted her time on Ashley Wilkes. Rhett was clearly the real deal and he was the first one in Scarlett’s life who didn’t put up with her garbage (cough cough cough). And he’d run blockades to bring her new clothes from Paris. Just sayin’.

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George and Mary Bailey, It’s a Wonderful Life—They had no money, a kid named Zuzu and a decided lack of job security. But throughout their relationship, they reveled in the sweetest, goofiest moments. (“What is it you want, Mah-ray?…You, you want the moon? Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.”) And they were, quite literally, each other’s reason for living. This Christmas’ viewing of It’s a Wonderful Life will hold even more meaning than usual.

Because, as on film, it is indeed a wonderful life.

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14 Responses to “Hollywood Heads to the Altar”

  1. I-66 Says:

    One day I hope to shoot a bullet through my wife’s windshield and be able to legitimately call it an “accident.”

  2. inowpronounceyou Says:

    Stuart and May Mackenzie?! Oh man, I will now have about 30 SIMAM quotes in my head while remembering him dancing to S-A…T-U-R…D-A-Y….NIGHT!

    “It’s like an orange on a toothpick.”

    “We’ve got a piper down!”

  3. Hammer Says:

    “The Paper” is an overlooked classic. Our entire college paper staff saw it together in the theater and we were dying the whole time, especially during Duvall’s deadline rant. “Deadline! A date or time before which something must be done!”

  4. Arjewtino Says:

    I love The Paper, it’s to newspaper journalism what Bull Durham is to baseball and what Citizen Kane is to sleds.

  5. Johanna Says:

    Orlando Bloom is the modern-day Ashley Wilkes. What a waste of Kate Bosworth’s attractive years.

  6. LJ Says:

    I’m fascinated now… I’ll have to add The Paper to my Netflix queue!

  7. Sparkles Anon! Says:

    Ashley Wilkes is the perfect example of why you should never waste your time on men who have pansy first names.

  8. EJ Says:

    Paper is now on my own queue! Will I love it as much as I loved Broadcast News?

  9. Bridal Bird Says:

    I-66-Yeesh. Luckily I hoped one day to get subpoenaed based on something written in the comments section of my blog.

    INPY-“…and pissed in the bitch’s occular cavities.” God rest ye, Phil Hartman. I mean Vicky.

    Hammer-Oh it’s all kinds of awesome, right? “Oh yeah, God forbid this paper ever runs anything without an exclamation mark.”

    Arjewtino-And Boogie Nights is to filmed nookie.

    J-Eww. Yech. He is so hard mint candy.

    LJ-Do it! Do it!

    Sparkles-Or whose last name, but for a slight consonant change sounds like “wilts.”

    EJ-Oh, so much more. Seriously, not even in the same league.

  10. Mary Ellen Says:

    Oh, I’m always so late with my comments…
    I like to compare you and The Fiance to the Incredibles. She is cute and looks ever-so-slim and fashionable in her superhero suit, and he is big and hunky and absolutely lost without her (of course).
    To wit: You say, “Uh-uh! Don’t you think about running off doing no derrin’-do! We’ve been planning this dinner for two months!” (Mr. Incredible: “You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!”) “‘Greater good’? I am your wife! I am the greatest good you are ever gonna get!”

  11. Bridal Bird Says:

    Ha! That is a good one! You know I once got him a Mr. Incredible Pez dispenser because he did remind me of him. And he walks around kissing his arm muscles. 😉

  12. startingtoday Says:

    I LOVE It’s a Wonderful Life. One of my favorite movies of all time.

  13. sockrocker Says:

    Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I love your blog and that I’m linking it on my page if that’s alright with you. Have a nice night.

  14. etcetera Says:

    were you trying to get jessica cutler to link to you again with that last line?

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