Time for a Little INSYIASTAaW!

Safely curled up in the bottom of a bourbon glass. That’s where I’ve been. Moving on…

I’m a big fan of any wedding tale sent to me from a reader that includes the line, “We think she was on drugs.” Consequently, I’m using reader Michelle’s submission for the second installment of I’m Not Sh***ing You I Actually Saw This At a Wedding. Her input was great because it covered several of the offenses that will land you in the crosshairs in this feature: crappy vendors, tackiness, and cheapness. And she gets bonus points for having yet another Michael Jackson-related wedding faux pas, much like our “Thriller”-choreographing couple from a few weeks ago.

Michelle writes:

“1) My sister’s wedding. During the reception, the loopy DJ mis-said my sister’s name not once, not twice, but three times, calling her “Symphony.” Her name is Cynthia. Then, during the dancing, she played “Bille Jean” by Michael Jackson, and in the middle of it, came out and gave an MJ “performance,” complete with white sequined glove and hat. We think she was on drugs.

2) I was a dateless bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding. As such, I hadn’t even bothered to bring my wallet, thinking it would be safer in the hotel room. When I went to order my one rum and coke for the evening, the bartender handed it to me and said, “that will be $6.” I was stunned. There had been no signs and absolutely nothing in the invitations or pre-wedding talk that indicated it would be a cash bar, so I assumed it wasn’t. I told the bartender I had no money and was willing to just walk off without the drink. But then she shot me a look of deepest loathing and said,”well you can have this one, but don’t try pulling this again.” I was humiliated, then furious. Keep the drink if you want to, and spare me the condescending remark. Moral of the story: if it’s a cash bar, make it obvious.”

Michelle, I think you’re being waaaay too generous. Because to my way of thinking, if it’s a cash bar, just go ahead and maybe don’t so much have alcohol at the reception at all. But the first story reinforces my belief that I’m making the right call by insisting that any contract with a DJ for my reception will include the line: “If you open your mouth or step one foot out from behind your board you will not receive payment for this event. Looking forward to working with you!”


13 Responses to “Time for a Little INSYIASTAaW!”

  1. Shannon Says:

    Cash bars are TACKY. I wouldn’t charge my friends $1 to get a soda out of my fridge. If you can’t afford an open bar, just serve beer and wine, just serve punch and cake, or have a brunch so people won’t drink so much.

  2. Lemmonex Says:

    Isn’t the whole point of a wedding to get your friends bombed? I mean, besides the whole entering a sacred covenant… cash bars are a crime.

  3. Abi Says:

    Holy fucking no. I’m sorry, but both of those things are just totally insane. Also, I’m now scared to find a DJ.

  4. I-66 Says:

    [observing parallels]


    [pause to breathe]


  5. bon mariage Says:

    Agreed. That’s just bad. Just. . .no.

  6. Bridal Bird Says:

    Shannon-Excellent way of putting it. Ex-actly.

    Lemmonex-I’m a huge proponent of anyone who uses the phrase, “besides the whole entering a sacred covenant” in an offhanded way. For serious.

    Abi-Don’t even get me started. I’m just envisioning a parade of guys who call themselves “DJ Chucklz” and don’t understand that playing the Electric Slide will be grounds for immediate eviction from the premises.

    I-66-Eerie isn’t it?

  7. Mary Ellen Says:

    Hahahaha!!! This is hysterical.
    I went to a wedding once that didn’t have hors d’oeuvres. Did I spell that right? I think so…You know, appetizers. Miniature crab cakes, bacon-wrapped scallops, Vietnamese shrimp rolls…(Um. It is possible to serve something besides shellfish, I just happen to like the anti-kosher best.) Anyway, even these skinflints gave us free booze! Sadly, since I was pregnant at the time, I was abstaining (except for an occasional Guinness, which they say is good for you). I kid! That was a cranky wedding. You know, on my part.

  8. Arjewtino Says:

    That’s horseshit, Michelle, you were the bridesmaid and the bartender had the gall to talk to you like that? Fuck her. I would have made a point of going to my room, getting the money (and tip), and coming back just to throw the money in her condescending face.

    Then again, I have issues.

  9. Shannon Says:

    Mary Ellen, I don’t think appetizers need to be fancy, but, geez, don’t forget to FEED PEOPLE! Nobody wants to starve at a happy occasion. Crackers and cheese or some fruit, even.

    I was in a wedding a few years back that started with a cocktail hour (but the bridal party missed the food because we were getting photos). Then we stood around while the bride and groom danced, then the bride danced with her dad, then the groom with his mom, then there was a 19-minute slideshow, then a toast, then a blessing, then tables were called up one at a time for the buffet. My table got called last (even though I was IN THE WEDDING), by then they were running out of food and it was nearly 10:00. I almost ate one of the ushers.

  10. I-66 Says:

    But what about the Cha Cha Slide? Sure your Birdness will make an exception for that.

  11. Johanna Says:

    My biggest “are you kidding me??” disappointment at weddings is when the couple decides to go trendy with the dessert. I don’t ask for much, but I want my fucking cake, and I want multiple slices if I so feel like eating multiple slices.

    I do NOT want the option of customizing an ice cream sundae at the table, nor do I really want a take-home bag of candy emblazoned with your new initials.

    Cake. With lots of white frosting. Preferably from Sam’s Club.

  12. Barzelay Says:

    Why even have a “DJ?” Just hire a guy with a PA who can also stop and start an iPod playlist that you make yourself.

  13. Bridal Bird Says:

    Trust me, that’s exactly what I want to do. I’m planning on calling over to the Georgetown and UofM AV geek clubs as soon as school’s back in session to see if I can hire some kid from there to handle it.

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