Dinnertime? More Like Sexytime.

It is one of the many mystifying events associated with getting married: in exchange for agreeing to enter into a lifelong commitment with another person, people buy you cookwear and sheets. If they’re loaded or want your father to continue awarding them defense contracts, they give you really nice cookwear and sheets. But I was initially reluctant to register. I’m an avid cook and I’ve already got a bunch of great kitchen equipment, I inherited china sets from my grandmothers, and the whole thing seemed a tad unseemly. However, I was convinced otherwise by my sister. By not registering, she said, I would create a phenomenal pain in the ass gift-buying scenario for my guests.

I am nothing if not accomodating to my nearest and dearest, so I trotted off to Macy’s. The point of this post is not to talk about the registering experience, as that’s been documented roughly 3,628 times in the bridal blog world. Even if you’re not the marrying type you know the drill. They hand you a scanner gun, you walk around and point it at stuff, bingo bango, you’re done. (And suffice it to say that I navigated this path alone, as my fiancé issued only a blank stare when I asked if he wanted to join me in the housewares department. Then he thought a moment and asked, “Can I register for a plasma flat screen?” When I said that I didn’t think they sold them, he ambled off in the direction of the nearest overstuffed chair in the shoe department for a nap.

No, what piqued my interest is that when you register at Macy’s, they load you up with catalogues that have even more stuff you might have missed while wandering around the store with your Acme PU-36 Explosive Materialism Modulater. What emerged to me as the most ridiculous part of this whole process (and that’s saying a lot) is that these catalogues of pots, pans, and something called the Flavia Fusion Drink Station are chock full of pictures of couples making out in the kitchen.

“Oh my God this is so much hot fun that I don’t even realize I’m inexplicably putting a Gerber daisy in this sauce pan.”

No point writing a funny caption, because I’m sure any open-mouthed, long-noodle-holding phallic symbolism is just totally coincidental.

“I don’t know? (bites bottom lip and widens eyes) Do you think we’re ready to take it to full speed?”

“Yeah, I know the O’s game is on, but I’d sooo much rather lick your earlobe while you whisk up a basket of egg whites.”

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to take away from this. Because of all the times my fiancé and I may have had a dalliance in the kitchen (a lady neither confirms nor denies), I can assure you that not once did it actually include any attempt to whip up a duck confit with port wine reduction. With such helpful page headings as “Work Kitchen Magic,” “Dream Machines,” “Stir Up Some Excitement” and “Heating Things Up,” I’m assuming that I am none-too-subtly being encouraged to draw a link between a $280 5-quart Le Creuset roaster and a long life of “May I have seconds please?” sex.

Food porn at its best.


9 Responses to “Dinnertime? More Like Sexytime.”

  1. I-66 Says:

    To be fair, I’d rather lick pretty much any earlobe than watch the O’s.

  2. Bridal Bird Says:

    I-66-I am increasingly convinced that you are my Blasian brother from another mother. After I posted, I was going to go back and add after that quote: “Although honestly, I’d probably rather lick someone’s earlobe than watch the O’s lately.” But then I decided not to sell out my team. Creeeepy…

  3. Jo Says:

    Can’t… stop… laughing… heheheheh

    OMG! It’s the same couple in every picture!

  4. rcr Says:

    Nice rack! Er, I mean spice rack.

    Honestly, the first picture looks like he’s doing something very naughty to her behind.

  5. I-66 Says:

    I wouldn’t call it selling out. Honesty, Bird, is a proper policy. So too is accepting soccer into your life.

    Though really the latter of those two is more important.

  6. Barzelay Says:

    Like you, if there’s something that I want for the kitchen that any of my (hypothetical) guests could afford, I probably have already bought it. But look at it this way: If you don’t guide them, they’ll still buy you kitchen stuff, it just won’t be the stuff you want.

    I love how the catalogues reinforce traditional gender roles. The female cooks, while the male squeezes her ass and begs her for sex. The only photo where the male actually seems to be involved with the food prep is the one in which the man is holding up a noodle and looking at it with puzzled disgust.

  7. Norf Says:

    The key to registering for wedding presents…

    1. Pick a store (or two) you like, and scan as many things as you can. Make sure all the items are marginally affordable and things you would reasonably want. You have to make it seem realistic.

    2. Get married, recieve presents.

    3. Return everything you didn’t actually want, and get store credit. Use that store credit to purchase the stuff you really want. Bonus if that thing was already on your registry, because you’ll get 10-20% anything that people didn’t buy you off of it. At Crate & Barrel, they will actually let you add stuff post-wedding.

    I didn’t invent this, just suggested by a friend that married before I did. It works real well for things like small kitchen appliances that are a bit pricey.

    Of course, you could also have the kind of friends that buy you a Nintendo Wii as a wedding present… Best… gift… ever!

    Another tip: If you are getting married far away, make it as clear as you can that they shouldn’t bring gifts to the wedding. Have them shipped straight to your place. Seriously, the weeks before and after your wedding end up being like an extended X-mas.

  8. Catherine Says:

    What is not pictured is the fact that the man goes back to the couch .4 seconds after the picture is taken. He only came in the kitchen to find out if there was any food made yet or anything for him to lick. (batter bowls or otherwise!)

  9. etcetera Says:

    i’m sure you already know the hardly-kept secret of wedding registries – if you register at Crate and Barrel, you can return the gifts for CASH. C and B has seriously become the dealer for all enterprising couples too well mannered to ask for what they really want but to clever to simply smile and accept their 11th set of linen table napkins.

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