Suppose Their Vows Included “Shake ‘n Bake, Baby!”?

In the past year, most of you probably attended a wedding or two. Maybe you sashayed to Sinatra in the ballroom of The Willard, or stood under an arbor in horse country to celebrate someone’s blessed event. What I can guarantee you did not partake of was the Long Island spectaculosity that reader/fellow blogger Barzelay witnessed. Let’s listen in, shall we?

The preacher welcomed the bride into the reception area with the classic, classy opener, “Drivers, start your engines.” Then the wedding party waved checkered flags as she came out into the hall. Cue “vroom vroom” engine noises over the P.A. Then it’s time for the groom to come out, but–wait! What’s this? That’s not the groom. It’s… it’s… NASCAR driver Tony Stewart!!! Oh wait, it’s not Tony Stewart, it’s just the groom wearing a Tony Stewart helmet and uniform. But he comes out and removes the bride’s garter and all that without removing the helmet. It’s a fantasy of hers, I guess?

Other hilarious things included the centerpieces, which were all collectible NASCAR license plates. But since those aren’t fancy enough for a wedding on their own, the license plates were wrapped in frilly white lace. It really gave them a touch of class. In addition to the typical wedding DJ, there was this odd Jack White look-alike who stood up behind a drum set of bongos and tom-toms and banged along with the beat of whatever music the DJ was playing. He could not possibly have looked less enthusiastic to be there, but he just sat back there, banging the drums like a good little musician. And finally, the wedding chapel in which the whole thing was held was so 70’s. All the hallways, parts of the main hall, and even parts of the ceiling were covered in floor-to-ceiling mirrors. And to top off the look, they had an awesome disco-ball-style mirrored lynx statuette!

It was an amazing, horrifying experience.

One that someone had the good sense to record for posterity’s sake. And remember, if you want to be part of the magic, send your IMNSYIASTAaW entries to bridalbird (at) yahoo (dot) com.

garter1.jpg

“Honey, did you find our dignity under there by any chance?”

weddingparty1.jpg

“That chump wedding party doing “Thriller” has nothing on our “Radar Love” polonaise.”

tables.jpg

I can’t decide what’s more horrifying in this picture—the centerpiece or the orange slice and maraschino cherry embellishment on the prosciutto-wrapped melon .

drummer.jpg

“Fell in love with a girl, I fell in love once and almost comple—hey, is that Tony Stewart?”

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5 Responses to “Suppose Their Vows Included “Shake ‘n Bake, Baby!”?”

  1. freckledk Says:

    You’re sh***ing me. Nuh-UH!!

  2. I-66 Says:

    No, freckledk, the post specifies that it is indeed not sh***ing you.

    Hey Bird. Don’t lie. You’re just angry that someone else thought of this before you.

  3. Jo Says:

    You know how in -theory- we are all aware that people like this exist, but never really believe it? Yeah, not a theory anymore…

  4. Bridal Bird Says:

    FK-(nodding head solemnly)

    I-66-NASCAR’s not my bag. Now, had it been a reception-long tribute to rodeo or monster trucks, maybe.

    Jo-I know. Urban legends are all fun and games until you can connect to the actual people involved in less than three steps.

  5. Rita A. Says:

    Once I stumbled across a group of young women publicly making fun of my wedding day ( MY WEDDING DAY ) and I was understandably upset and humiliated. I was, however, grateful my mother didn’t have to read people bashing her daughter’s big day, as I’m sure it would have broken her heart. At first I wanted to lash out at the blogger, but instead I sent her a small note which contained one of my favorite sayings : ” How you make others feel about themselves says a lot about you. And I left it at that.

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