What the Oscars Have to Do With My Wedding

By revealing that George Clooney is the type to date cocktail waitresses*, the Oscars freed up the only impediment to me entering marriage pure of heart and mind. That was helpful. In that they played host to actresses with scant few hairstyles that I could rip out of next month’s InStyle then march into my salon and say “Here, do this on my wedding day” (as countless bridal magazines encourage brides to do), they were not helpful. Let’s look at the ‘do’s through the bride-to-be lens.

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Even the promise of being able to stash my compact and Kleenex in the hive, freeing myself from having to carry a clutch, fails to save this look.

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On the plus side, this one wouldn’t even require a stylist. Because it’s the exact same way I wear my hair to go to the gym every day.

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OK, this is one of those in theory hairstyles. In theory it is great and would look lovely. But in practice, within about five minutes, our glorious swampland’s humidity would have this hairstyle in its kung fu death grip. It would be hanging in my face all day, giving me the air of a disaffected teen.

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Speaking of disaffected teens, I’m fairly certain that this is how I and every other young girl wore her hair from 1990 to 1993.

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No. No. No.

So where does that leave me? In all likelihood I’ll be showing my stylist this picture, asking for him to give me a modified Penelope. The main modification being that I’d like a bit more of my natural curl to come through. Oh, and the other modification being that I’d like him to give me her bone structure, eye diameter, kisser, and upper torso. He’s really good. I’m confident.
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* If you’re going to pen a screed in the comment section about cocktail waitresses being people, too, please be sure to include details about the last time you had a lengthy conversation with one about the arts, world politics, current events, what have you. Bonus points if she looked like his girlfriend.

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11 Responses to “What the Oscars Have to Do With My Wedding”

  1. Hey now... Says:

    I *was* going to defend cocktail waitresses since I used to be one myself and I like to talk about art, visit museums, see bands, and have heated political discussions with the BF and his International Crimes/Law Professor of a father. However, since getting behind the bar, I would have to agree that yes, the cocktail waitresses are not the brightest of bulbs. At most places, for enlightening conversation I would choose the bus boy over the cocktail waitress when it comes to conversation…and I only speak a little Spanish.

    Then again, I work in the industry part-time to save up for a down-payment, exotic vactions and shoes…so maybe I’m just plain wrong.

    Cameron’s would be cute for a casual beach wedding…Penelope is simply gorgeous

  2. Shelly C Says:

    Penelope’s hair is nice, but what about the hair of Nicole Kidman, Laura Linney, or Anne Hathaway? They all looked stunning, and Linney and Hathaway had more waves than Cruz’

  3. KassyK Says:

    I liked Anne’s hair as well…And I liked Penelope’s save for the scary bleachy style highlights. Definately keep some of the natural curl your hair has, its beautiful.

  4. Bridal Bird Says:

    Hi all,
    Yep, Penelope’s highlights are off, but no worries, the Bird doesn’t do color. Regarding Nicole’s, it was pretty but I like at least some of my hair down for photos. Ditto Anne’s which was probably my favorite style of the night, but again, not right for my veil and with all the photos. I had my stylist try Laura Linney’s last time I was there and it looked great for about a half-hour and then all the curls fell. So that one would require whatever industrial-strength shelac spray she had on her locks.
    And thanks Kassy, my sometimes curly haired sistah!

  5. PerfectlyPlumpPreppy Says:

    I say if you are going to date a young cocktail waitress make sure she is a hot, twentysomething cocktail waitress. Oh well.

    I loved Anne’s hair too. I also liked Keri Russell’s sleek and simple updo.

    Don’t shoot me but I actually really really liked Heidi Klum’s hairdo. I’m not sure for a wedding but with the dress it seemed to all be okay. No one in evening wear should ever attempt that Cameron Diaz hair. That hair is only okay if you have just rolled out of bed in your sweats.

  6. kerrie Says:

    I used to be a cocktail waitress, and have culture coming out my arse!

  7. Bridal Bird Says:

    Goddangit, Kerrie. You’re killing me here! To paraphrase Homer Simpson, “I like my sweeping, condescending generalities like I like my homosexuals: flaming.”

  8. K Says:

    I only saw about five minutes of the Oscars when it was on in a bar in the Bahamas, but Amy Adams looked spectacular. Not good bride hair, but still, spectacular.

  9. Bena Bevitz Says:

    I would say that your assessment of cocktail waitresses is pure crap, but being one myself part time I don’t think I’m smart enough to get what you’re saying. What ever did you mean?

  10. Bridal Bird Says:

    My point is that if you are a cocktail waitress and look like George Clooney’s date for the Oscars, then he’s probably not with you for your ability to discuss the destabilization of the Middle East.

  11. UkrainianGirls Says:

    I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.

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