Sanctity of Marriage, You’ve Been Served

Thanks to a heads up from former blogger/reader K, I learn that Heidi Montag, Hills star and paramour of no-talent assclown entrepreneur Spencer Pratt wants to get married. For reals this time. You can tell because Montag draped a piece of tulle over her head (left over from last week’s Ashlee Simpson “Why the Greaseball From Fall Out Boy and I Will Be Together Forevs!” cover shoot) for the cover of the new US Weekly. Let’s take a chunk-by-chunk look at the magazine’s peek behind the curtain of this no-talent assclownblushing maybe-bride-to-be:

Here comes the bride! After famously calling off her wedding last year, Heidi Montag reveals for the first time in the new issue of Us Weekly, on newsstands now, that she’s changed her mind. “I’m ready to marry Spencer,” the 21-year-old Hills star tells Us.

I’d say that informing your significant other on the cover of a magazine that you’re tap, tap, tapping your foot waiting for a ring ranks up there in elegance with a fake pregnancy. I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing that Jacqueline Bouvier did to land JFK and Grace Kelly to nail Prince Rainier.

“He’s my soulmate.”

I will actually concede this point. I would doubt that there are two people on the planet better suited for each other.

What changed?

The upcoming season of The Hills! That’s what changed, US Weekly blurb writer! There are only so many times that viewers can watch Audrina Partridge and Justin Bobby communicate their longing for each other through a series of grunts, raised eyebrows, and deep sighs before realizing that they should probably turn the television off and go, oh I don’t know, read a book or something. Viewers need to see America’s no-talent assclownssweethearts back in a state of premarital bliss!

On-and-off beau Spencer Pratt convinced her to plan their wedding again during a secret make-or-break getaway to Mexico.

Yes, “secret.” Indeed. This couple definitely seems to want to live a private life. So secret that they, say, told US Weekly about it and call papparazzi every time they head to the store, park, baseball game, restaurant, restroom, etc.

“Heidi read me biblical passages like ‘Honor thy wife,'” says Pratt.

Ignoring the obviously problematic assertion that she “read” him anything, I’m going to head right to this chick’s co-opting of religion in an attempt to flesh out her character. And I don’t mean moral character. I mean the character that she plays in real life. I’ve seen multiple references to her informing interviewers that she was “praying for” her nemesis Lauren Conrad. My fiancé (a reporter) has a line that he uses when someone calls him to scream about a story that had something to do with religion being anti-religious/liberal/etc. He says sweetly, “I’m praying for you.” And it incenses them. But you know what HeiMo? He doesn’t mean it either. Oh and by the way, I’m unable to find the phrase “honor thy wife” appearing in any commonly used versions of the Bible. adds further details on the Speidibridey:

Heidi says, “We were walking at sunset and he had a little picnic made for me, with chocolate-covered strawberries and Dom Perignon.”

Klassy. I thought that menu was awesome too when I was 13 and watching Pretty Woman at a slumber party.

“It was pretty much a preproposal.”

As Jezebel points out, he already proposed to you once before. That aside, what in the name of all that is holy is a preproposal? I’ll try to figure it out while I predigest the salad that’s on my desk that I haven’t started eating.

“He is ready to really propose to me, down on one knee, with the right ring,” Heidi explains. “The other one failed. Why would we use a failed ring? A new ring means a fresh start, a fresh love and a fresh engagement. Plus, I didn’t get to pick it out. I want something much bigger, and one that comes from the heart, not some purple thing.”

For those unfamiliar with The Hills, this is a reference to the first time Spencer “proposed” to Heidi and a blogger discovered that the ring was a piece of cheap costume jewelry, offering further evidence that the whole thing was a total sham. Also, I love that she immediately follows her demand for something bigger with a demand that it come “from the heart.” Apparently the heart needs to understand that the ring better be somewhere north of two carats.

“I want to perform at my wedding. It’s a special song that I’m working on for Spencer.”

Sugarbooger, the entire wedding will be a performance.

And she’d like U2 to be her wedding band.

Yes, I’m positive Bono will clear time from his AIDS-ending-world-debt-canceling schedule to hoof over to whatever pink-shrouded shindig the folks at MTV will throw together to croon you into wedded bliss. If he does, I’m never listening to Joshua Tree or an iPod commercial again. Do you hear me Bono? Never!

My feathers being in a fluff isn’t exactly new. I make a living off of it. But you know who should be really pissed about this? Teh gays. In fact, I would assert that the US Weekly article offers an irrefutable argument to the claim that gay marriage should be prohibited on the grounds that it undermines the sanctity of marriage. You know what undermines the sanctity of marriage? No-talent assclownsTelevision personalities who do it to advance a plot line. But by all means, Speidi, honor thy ratings.


8 Responses to “Sanctity of Marriage, You’ve Been Served”

  1. I-66 Says:

    “That aside, what in the name of all that is holy is a preproposal? I’ll try to figure it out while I predigest the salad that’s on my desk that I haven’t started eating.”

    The Bird. Bringin’ the meat, even if she doesn’t eat it.

    But really, don’t pretend that you didn’t have a Pretty Woman slumber party last month.

  2. K Says:

    K: “So Bird, I think I saw this ball over there somewhere that you might want to look at, I don’t know if you care to pick it up, but it might be entertaining for a second.”

    Bird: [TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

  3. RCR Says:

    Ugh. I’m disgusted that I know what your referencing. I was forced to watch the season finale. But, as long as they keep doing nude spreads, what do I care.

  4. RCR Says:

    By the way, I would now like to be called “RC Bobby”

  5. Bridal Bird Says:

    I-66-Every month, dear. Every month.


    RCR-Muhuh, “forced.” And yes, ironically, the FHM/Maxim/Playboy pictorial hides a multitude of sins.

    Oh and, ah-greed..

  6. Phil Says:

    I wonder if Spencer read back to her the Bible verse about being subservient – he probably did read the one that says “Honor thy contract with MTV”.

  7. TXNinDC Says:

    Damn it. I just realized that Heidi’s bouquet is all callalillies. Those are my *favorite* and when the time comes to plan my wedding, I will want callalillies everywhere. Hopefully by then, the memory of this US Weekly cover will fade and I can once again look at these flowers without triggering the gag reflex.

  8. nomad Says:

    Audrina Partride is the hottest thing since toasted sliced bread

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