Specifically, this is about why the bridal industry hates men. (It is nothing if not equal opportunity.) Because one of two things is happening with men’s tuxedos: manufacturers are pumping out drop-dead heinous offerings because they assume men don’t mind being sartorially condescended to, or men actually buy these things and the industry isn’t generous enough to try to save them from themselves. As I mentioned last week, my fiancé purchased his tux without much fuss and or muss. But had he been forced to expand the circle of his search he would have found a rogue’s gallery of truly ridiculous formalwear options. Following, for your Friday fluff pleasure, are some examples as well as explanations as to why he would not have selected them…
Because, not being Steven Seagal, he is not Marked for Death, Hard to Kill, Under Seige, Out for Justice, or On Deadly Ground.
Because he is not getting married in his native Texas circa 1865 while simultaneously masterminding a Wells Fargo wagon heist.
Because he is not the kindly old operator of P.G. McSnoodlebritches’ Ice Cream Emporium on Main Street at Disney World.
Because he is not a cast member from Guys and Dolls, although he does typically request that luck be a lady tonight.
Because he is not the hottest piece of tail in the chorus line at the Fire Island Dinner Theater. (Would that he were! Am I right, or am I right?)
Because he knows this was the best thing to come of 1990, not the formalwear.
Because he is not the MC welcoming everyone to Thug Heaven in a Tupac video.
What he is is tall, broad and a man of classic tastes. And by classic I mean dress pants, button downs, ties, and “Sex Panther—60% of the time it works every time” T-shirts. As such, he’ll be in a tux similar to this one, but with a black tie:
We’re still negotiating on the Sex Panther T-shirt’s inclusion into the ensemble.