Why the Bridal Industry Hates Us Friday

Specifically, this is about why the bridal industry hates men. (It is nothing if not equal opportunity.) Because one of two things is happening with men’s tuxedos: manufacturers are pumping out drop-dead heinous offerings because they assume men don’t mind being sartorially condescended to, or men actually buy these things and the industry isn’t generous enough to try to save them from themselves. As I mentioned last week, my fiancé purchased his tux without much fuss and or muss. But had he been forced to expand the circle of his search he would have found a rogue’s gallery of truly ridiculous formalwear options. Following, for your Friday fluff pleasure, are some examples as well as explanations as to why he would not have selected them…

Because, not being Steven Seagal, he is not Marked for Death, Hard to Kill, Under Seige, Out for Justice, or On Deadly Ground.

Because he is not getting married in his native Texas circa 1865 while simultaneously masterminding a Wells Fargo wagon heist.

Because he is not the kindly old operator of P.G. McSnoodlebritches’ Ice Cream Emporium on Main Street at Disney World.

Because he is not a cast member from Guys and Dolls, although he does typically request that luck be a lady tonight.

Because he is not the hottest piece of tail in the chorus line at the Fire Island Dinner Theater. (Would that he were! Am I right, or am I right?)

Because he knows this was the best thing to come of 1990, not the formalwear.

Because he is not the MC welcoming everyone to Thug Heaven in a Tupac video.

What he is is tall, broad and a man of classic tastes. And by classic I mean dress pants, button downs, ties, and “Sex Panther—60% of the time it works every time” T-shirts. As such, he’ll be in a tux similar to this one, but with a black tie:

We’re still negotiating on the Sex Panther T-shirt’s inclusion into the ensemble.


8 Responses to “Why the Bridal Industry Hates Us Friday”

  1. Johanna Says:

    Please tell me you did not flagrantly disrespect all that is holy and insult my second favorite ’90s action hero in your first caption…

    Also, Monte wanted me to tell you he quite likes your “wagon heist” look so long as it is properly accessorized with a vintage pocket watch and handcrafted, London-style shoes.

  2. K Says:

    The suit he chose is fantastic. Nice work, Bird!

    I have a feeling my Big Guy will attempt to include his “Hot Grill on Grill Action” or “My Other Ride Is Your Mom” tees in inappropriate times and locations. Let’s just hope he thinks better of it and puts that Stewart/Colbert ’08 tee on instead.

  3. Emily Says:

    My husband went with a simple black suit, too, when we were married. He didn’t wear his favorite tee shirt, but I did let him pick the song we recessed to from the ceremony—Jessica by the Allman Brothers. It was his personal touch on the ceremony 🙂

  4. Velvet Says:

    Sadly, I think the tux I wore to my junior prom looked like the 1990 one.

    K – There is no inappropriate time for a “my other ride is your mom” tee.

  5. I-66 Says:

    I swear to f*cking god I’m going to stop this computer from automatically making me post as Velvet one of these days.

  6. SingLikeSassy Says:

    This is hilarious! We skipped the tux altogether. I figured if we were going to spend a grip he should get something he really liked and would wear again.

  7. Phil Says:

    It’s rather boring, of course.

    Could you at least allow him a top hat, or cane?

  8. Shannon Says:

    I vote for top hat, cane, pocket watch, and enormous Victorian sideburns.

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