Well we’re off to the mountains this weekend for a little lakeside R&R at my family’s annual canoe/kayak week, but not before rolling up our sleeves for the most romantic portion of the engagement: the blood test.
D.C. does indeed still require a blood test. (Vaccination without representation!) Specifically, couples have to get tested for syphilis (VDLR) — and only syphilis. I’m not sure why the D.C. government is so concerned about this particular pile of bacterial heebie jeebies when there are scads of other ways we could be damaging each other’s lives in the decades to come. Why not test for the Clap? Or the Herp? Or the likelihood that in a matter of years we’ll begin a long, slow slide into boredom and bitter resentment of one another eventually culminating in our respective affairs with the hired help? And if one or both of us has syphilis and we’re getting married to each other, isn’t this a win-win for the larger D.C. community? Also, I would also think that given D.C.’s string of spectacularly epic fails in the past year when it comes to keeping its adults and children safe through social services, our potential no-pants-dance disease need not sit atop their priority list. Given the town we’re in, I’m going to assume that it’s because there’s a vocal and deep-pocketed Syphilis Testers Association of America lobby tucked somewhere on K Street. (Motto: Changing the way America sees chancres.)
Assuming that we score better on this test than we did on the math portion of the SATs (writer couple humor FTW!!11!!!) we’re hitting the open road. Can’t blog because I’ll be too busy paddling the lake, toasting marshmallows, and singing camp songs. Like the classic Girl Scout ditty, “Alice the Camel Has Nine Humps.” Apparently they didn’t test for syphilis before Alice got married to Mr. The Camel.