Why the Bridal Industry Hates Us Friday

Today this post title isn’t even sufficient. It should be “Why the Bridal Industry Wants to Crush Us, Drive Us Before Themselves and Hear the Lamentation of Our Women Friday.” Thanks to reader Nadine, who manages to find the most deliciously appalling bridal items, we have this week’s product: the Bridal Betty hair dye kit. The dye is bright blue to ensure that the bride has “something blue” on her big day. And that something? That would be her vajayjay.

Bridal Betty is the latest in a line of Betty-brand dyes invented for those who want to ensure that collar and cuffs match when the color of the collar came from a bottle. Remember the Eisenhower-era Miss Clairol ads featuring admirers pondering, “Does she or doesn’t she?” after a perfect blond beauty passes by? Well in this case, the groom better hope she does or else they’re facing some significant medical bills in the weeks ahead. “Forget about the flatware and dinnerware, give the gift of Betty!” chirps the website. Which raises the question: Does one register for tinker dye? I’ll let you go explore the myriad wonders that are the Bridal Betty website, because frankly, I’m not even capable of writing about it without violating just about every convention of ladylike propriety that I require on this blog. Be sure to check out the stencils, too. They allow you to…um…oh, just go read it.

This clearly calls for an update to the old saying, “Something borrowed, something blue, and a sixpence in her shoe.” I’m thinking, “Something borrowed, something blue, and a Smurf smuggled between her thighs all day much to the horror of the man who has just committed his life to her.”

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12 Responses to “Why the Bridal Industry Hates Us Friday”

  1. I-66 Says:

    So you’re telling us you’ll be doing this?

  2. Bridal Bird Says:

    I seriously contemplated preemptively banning you from the comments, mister.
    And yes, right after I put on a bridal veil and a tank top with LifeSavers attached to it that says “I’ll Suck for a Buck” and go staggering around Adams Morgan. Which is to say, right after flying pigs hold a gun to my head.

  3. I-66 Says:

    First of all, I love that you consider giving me special treatment.

    Second of all, what if it was just a person holding a gun to your head… wearing this?

  4. Lisa Says:

    Ohhh, wow. Dagny Taggert passed your link along to me, as I’m getting married in September. I’ve discovered there’s a lot lot lot of ridiculous bridal stuff out there, but this is truly impressive.

  5. Shannon Says:

    Oh, gosh, I did a post about Betty Beauty a while back…my suggested slogan for them was “Mix Up a Batch for Your Snatch.” I was hoping the bridal version would wind up on here! Hilarious.

  6. Hammer Says:

    Crom!

    Look, I’m as shocked as anyone that I actually comment on a wedding blog. But dropping Conan the Barbarian quotes right off the top goes a long way towards allowing me to hang around here while keeping my man card. Much obliged. Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a choppa to catch…

  7. Kerri Says:

    I am a bride to be and for my bridal shower i recieved Bridal Betty! It was the hit of the entire shower!
    With all the stress of planning and family, etc. The humor of Bridal Betty was surely welcome.
    I think you are taking it too seriously!
    GO BETTY!

  8. suicide_blond Says:

    i cant remember who said it…but this quote comes to mind….
    “nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the american public”

    xoxo

  9. Phil Says:

    If you have a few gray pubes, would that also classify as “something old”?

  10. Stickler to Detail Says:

    Doesn’t using the term “vajayjay” violate just about every convention of ladylike propriety? I never heard the ladies in first class in the major motion picture “Titanic” – my only source of refinement and class – use that term, so it must uncouth.

  11. Speaking of... Says:

    http://wonkette.com/401686/distinguished-pubic-advocate-wants-your-vote

  12. Elisa Says:

    At least you didn’t get “Fun Betty” for your Christmas present from your “hysterical” cousin at your family holiday celebration. Imagine my confusion at the little pink triangle on the woman’s body and reading out loud… “Fun for the hair down there!” Ahh, good memories of holiday cheer.

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