At Clemson, my close circle of sorority chums and I were devoted to a little cult chick flick classic called Shag. It featured three young birds from Spartanburg, South Carolina, spiriting their engaged friend off to Myrtle Beach for one last weekend of sun, fun, and sweet potatoes (sweet potatoes = dudes…hot dudes…) in the summer of 1963. It includes the line, “It isn’t a bone at all, it’s a muscle. This cousin of hers dated a Clemson Tiger who sprained his in a game, and she had to massage it every night when it got hard because he was in so much pain.” So natch, we consider its omission from AFI’s Top 100 Films of All Time list a glaring offense.
Well this past weekend we made like our Shag counterparts (some of whom we actually played–expertly I might add–in sorority rush skits back in the day), gathering in Myrtle Beach for friend M’s bachelorette weekend. Unfortunately for you, I promised my fellow attendees that the weekend was strictly off the record. So I can neither confirm nor deny that the following occurred:
* Enough Miller Lite and sweet tea vodka consumed to open a distributorship.
* Multiple photographs taken with a man believed to be Pablo Escobar.
* My karaoke virginity deflowered in a biker bar by the forced singing of Patsy Cline’s “Crazy.”
* Bikers of Myrtle Beach left in drop-jawed horror that one girl could so thoroughly besmirch the legacy of Patsy Cline in three minutes.
* Motorcycle mounted long enough for multiple pictures to be taken.
* Expert shagging executed. (The South Carolina kind, pervs.)
* Relative merits of Mr. Nude Universe 1998 contestants debated at length.
* All sorts of practical “cooking” aprons bestowed. (ahem)
* Hair barrettes that would have been grounds for immediate expulsion from Our Lady of Perpetual Good Behaviory also bestowed.
* Funk unstopped in 3 a.m. parking lot dance party.
* Incredibly memorable and hilarity-laden times shared by all.
* Goodbye hugs exchanged, eyes misted, vows made to repeat all of the above as soon as possible.
But again, I can neither confirm nor deny any of that.