And Now a Word From the Mouses. I Mean Missus.

angelinaballerinaOh sure, they’re plum adorable until they’re infusing
your delicates and investment pieces with their postmortem funk.

Before I get to cooing over the wedding pictures,
Before I get to waxing poetic about the honeymoon sights,
Before I get to the story about how I got our $10 back from the D.C. government yesterday (oh yes, that happened),
I must get to the moment that I realized that the honeymoon was over.

It came Monday morning, just a few hours after we returned from said honeymoon in Ireland. When, after opening my bedroom closet door, I was hit with a powerful stench. The source of that stench? After much hanger flipping, clothes flinging, and sniffing like a pig on the hunt for truffles, I located it. Nestled in the bottom of one of my handbags that hang on hooks on the inside of the closet door: a dead mouse.

Yes, apparently Fievel decided that the best place to shuffle off his tiny mortal coil was at the bottom of the most expensive accessory I own. Passing over the less-pricey offerings hanging immediately north, south, and west, he perched for a moment at the edge of the limited-edition, structured wool Kate Spade bag, squeaked out a “Goodbye cruel world,” and then swandived into the Great Beyond. My husband, observing all of this with amusement from the bed on Monday morning, helpfully offered that “At least he had good taste.” In the mouse’s defense, the bag is lined with a deep purple floral fabric and in his final seconds it likely appeared to be an appropriately funereal resting place.

This was no doubt the same rodent who skulked around uninvited in my kitchen in the run-up to the wedding, yet refused to help with the last-minute details. But with the traditions of the motherland still fresh in our minds, we generously sent him on his way with a proper wake, placing coins over his eyes, tucking a rosary into his paws clasped on his chest, and talking about what a wee, right jolly bugger he was. And by that I mean we flung him unceremoniously into the Dumpster. Godspeed, you stinky little stowaway. Godspeed.

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12 Responses to “And Now a Word From the Mouses. I Mean Missus.”

  1. I-66 Says:

    So, do mice um… express… their er… bowels… when they die?

  2. Urban Girl Says:

    What a welcome back! We just had a similar mouse incident, so I feel your pain (that stench is unbelievable). Looking forward to hearing the $10 story. I’m surprised that DC government actually coughed up the cash…

  3. Nadine Says:

    Oh god. At least you got your 10 bucks back.

  4. LiLu Says:

    Oh gross… but yeah, I am really stoked you got that $10! Woot!

  5. Mary Ellen Says:

    Oh yes. Of course that mouse is the very same criminal spotted in the kitchen!! How could there be more than one??

  6. Phil Says:

    I don’t think so, 66, but with the right kind of poison you can make them swell up like a balloon before they die (a little more festive).

    Angelina Ballerina? Yeah, I watch that show…

  7. Bridal Bird Says:

    Ugh, I *knew* that thing had been poisoned! So annoying that method of killing them. Off to complain on the building listserv…

    Yes, Mary Ellen. There was one citrus rat in the attic in West Palm and there was one mouse in my house. Case closed. Fiddleddee (humming blissfully).

  8. freckledk Says:

    C’ead Mile Failte!

    This reminds me of the Real Housewife of Atlanta who vows to die while wearing Dior, which is a natural thought progression, in that both are rodents with a love for labels.

  9. Lexi Says:

    how did he possibly get in there?!

  10. Rennee Says:

    Ha ha ha… the mouse got the better of you it seems.. So sorry!!

  11. David Chola Says:

    from the heights of honeymoon delight…to a smelly wardrobe, talk about back to earth!

  12. mag atieno Says:

    What a sight.Hope you didnt wake up your neighbors with your scream –if any.Do you now own a cat to terrorize any unwelc0ome guests?

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